Excel World

“Excel world!!” I remember shouting it with excitement when my distant relative agreed to take me to EsselWorld when I visit him in Mumbai. I was seven or eight at that time. Mumbai appeared a fairyland far away from my green land, Haryana.

And here I am today after 20 years, gazing outside my office desk to a beautiful view of high rises, lakes, flora, and a few slums. Mumbai has become a known stranger. Do I feel the same excitement? No. Do I feel the familiar fear of aloofness? Yes. Today I am completing seven months in this city which keeps me awake. My memory of arriving here is all cloudy with the pouring rain and workload, the two things which I absolutely hate.

The next thing that happened here was me crying after locking my beautiful hotel room with an even beautiful view whose lock I checked multiple multiple times. Those moments made me hate my own wail which echoed in the room and then to my ears. That voice was too new and dreadful to me. I don’t know even to this date why I felt so. I don’t know for what and whom I cried so hard. Was it the high emptiness that those high-rising roman-style buildings reflected? Or was it the gloominess those black and heavy clouds brought to me for some unknown reason? Or was it the coldness of my hotel room with no one to offer warmth?

I believe it was the time I made the highest number of calls to my family, friends, and sometimes even known strangers whom I have gladly avoided all my life. Also, many people reached out to me offering the world. Deep down, I knew I have everything that anyone ever wish for, family, friends, and a good life.

Though sadness comes with a reason, it never leaves even when you’ve reasoned it.

It stays until its bubble is burst sometime by you, sometimes by someone from the equally sad world. I learned no matter how warm the conversation you’ve on call, it will never replace someone’s arms circling your cold body.

But yes, time tries its best to heal you. Gradually I got a lovely flat with my favorite balcony and an awesome friend, Somo, to share my tea with. I met here many people with the most bizarre personalities I have ever known which made me understand myself a little better. The monsoon paused, and I started enjoying my office’s view and work. I loved those tipsy moments lived here where I have laughed at my silliness wholeheartedly and accepted that life is all being alone, not lonely.

As I look back at those moments, I can’t help but smile. Have I overcome my sadness? No, absolutely not but, I have learned to face it and let it leave me slowly when it is ready. I have learned to be patient and not to rush to arms just because I am so-called sad. Am I still scared of aloofness? Damn yes. Why will I not be? We can’t stop being human, and there’s nothing so bad and big about it. We need not be apologetic about the way we feel at any moment. Isn’t it?

So, the next time you’re sad and want to cry it out loud. Just do it. Without any care of the world and more importantly without any self-pity. It’s absolutely ok.

By the way, just don’t forget to bolt the door.